Bittersweet moments in life

"If you tried to stand and face the wave, it will smash you to bits, but if you trust the water and let it carry you, there's nothing sweeter." Shauna Niequist

I could not have read anything to be more true than Shauna's analogy of life. Over the past month, there has been a lot of change in my life. 

I've come to the realization that not everything needs to be done on my timing and for me to come to that realization is a huge change in my life. For as long as I remember, I've always had a plan for my future. Whether that was what I was going to do in one day, week or year. I've taken an extra year to finish my associates in psychology, art and communications because

I needed to financially and didn't have the time to take care of myself and have over three jobs working 60 hours a week and being a full time student. That hit me hard because I'm going to graduate school for psychology so that will consist of 5-6 years of school. 

The next thing was that I started to second guess my major. My heart would race at the thought of starting all over again, spending more money and time in school to get my education.

Then, I had to face my very best friend and partner, leave for 6 months to go after what he desired to do. I always thought that if I had to do something like that, it wouldn't be too hard on me. But than he did and I couldn't be prouder of him. Although, long distance is hard. Not being with your person who knows how to de-stress you, make you laugh over the stupidest things and makes you happy after a bad day, is hard. 

Today I had to take a 24 hour EEG due to there being a chance I could be having absent seizures after being a year seizure free. If the test comes back reporting that I am having absent/focal seizures, that means I have to change my medication until we find one that's right for my body -- it could take a day, months or even years and that means I have to start the "seizure free" period all over again in order to drive. 

This all sounds so bitter, right? 

Well I promise you, it gets sweeter.

I chose to look at this all in a bitter way, being sad, being depressed. Until I read this book and this quote. 

Taking more time on my education is sweet because it's teaching me that I'm learning more, constantly. I'm learning time management, patience, and taking time to take care of me as we all should. You come first. Your health comes first. Make sure you're taking time for YOU.

Second guessing my major has a sweetness to it as well. It made me question my "old" desires and dreams and reignited a fire in me. I have more answers for why I'm going to school for my major now than I did before. But I'm also content with doing something else in the psychology field if that's the way the cookie crumbles. I've looked at many different options and am grateful for where I am in life. I have an idea of what I want my future to be like, but I'm going with the wave instead of going against it.

Oh my goodness, I'm still waiting for it to get sweeter about my person going away for 6 months. But I have seen it turn from bitter to sweet. I'm so excited to see God has in store for his journey. I'm so excited to see what he learns! The face times feel as if we were almost together (not all the way of course but definitely do able). Having my boyfriend go after what he wants has inspired me to do the same. I've had the time to practice my art and that's what I wanted for so long but told myself I didn't have the time for it. Seeing my best friend making time for what he wanted, showed me I needed to make time too. So yes it's definitely bitter that he's not here with me, but the outcome is so sweet. That is what makes me happy. 

Now my 24 hour EEG, this has been bitter. It currently is still on my head, itching and I cannot wait to get a shower tomorrow after they take it off. But it's sweet because we have the technology to track whether I'm having seizures or not... we have the research to find a medication that will control my seizures even if it does take many tries of finding one that's right for my body. I was made to take off of

work today as well and if you know me, you know I CANT SIT STILL! I love my job and I love to work. Although, Today I was able to finish 2 custom art orders

AND 2 pieces of art. I also was inspired to create something on my own without looking at another piece of art. My creative juices were flowing and I was able to give them use! I was able to do what I truly desire.
        



But the one thing that's the sweetest of them all, is being made to overcome my fear -- to live my slogan. 

As soon as I saw what I looked like what this on my head, I thought I looked crazy. I was embarrassed to walk out of the doctors into the waiting room to sign out. My chest felt like it was about to explode. I feared the embarrassment of having something wrong with me and others knowing. 

But why? I'm the founder of a non-profit that encourages our world to F.ace E.verything A.nd Rise. -- that's including FEAR. (If you didn't get the acronym) 

With that being said, this picture is for those who fear what others think of them. This picture is for those who are too afraid to face their fears. This picture is for the little kids who are terrified to have an EEG, EKG, etc. It's not so bad! It's actually sweet because that means, we're going to get better. We're going to live seizure free. 

A shout out goes to one of my little Fearless super hero's, James. Just last year he had a 72 hour EEG. Thank you James for giving me the courage to go through it as well. You didn't care what others thought of you. You were awesome. You had fun. You were Fearless. Because you could, I know I could too. I had a little pack I had to carry around too!

To those reading, I encourage you to post a photo with your caption of what Fear you're making stop here. What fear, you're choosing to drop and gain courage to overcome. Hashtag #FearlessMovement for the world to see.  


Remember, don't fight against the wave. Trust the water and let it carry you. Whomever or whatever the water may be.