Giving up...
After taking part in Hannah Brencher’s webinar, I made a
promise to myself that this year I will be vulnerable with my readers. Being
vulnerable not only breaks bondages and fears that you may have, but helps others
as well. That’s what Fearless Movement’s blog is for, right? To help others? So
here I go…
A couple of years ago, as I may have said in previous blog posts, I battled with depression
horrifically after being diagnosed with Epilepsy and having recurrent seizures
that set major limitations on my life. Thankfully, I overcame that depression
and I now see it as the silver lining to my life. It helped me get back on track to
finding out who I was meant to be and why I was created. I may have overcome
that depression at that point in time but many of you do not know that sometimes, I still
feel those emotions. The feeling of worry, doubt and loneliness. I catch myself caught up in my thoughts, zoned out from whatever I’m doing. I feel that I don't have much meaning and I lost my purpose again. Some may say, "that's just life." Or, "that's normal." But I say that's bull. I know it shouldn't be normal but I don’t really
know what it's classified as. I like to call this “part time depression”. I don't use the word depression lightly either.
Tonight, I was sitting at my kitchen table making things for
my Etsy shop (Art4H0PE – the O in hope is a zero) and I felt my spirit become
weak. I felt lonely and I began to think about my life and what I haven’t
accomplished. Maybe I need to just give up on some things. I don’t see them
becoming accomplished and I definitely don’t see anyone benefiting from just “trying”.
I feel that I have failed many. I feel that I failed God and that above all is
my worst fear. As I was wrestling with these thoughts, I remembered Hannah
Brencher's webinar and her testimony she shared that this is what she suffers
from but sharing it with others is what makes it worth while. It makes a
change.
My point to this post tonight is to say, even if you feel depressed,
lonely and you only want to give up, don’t. Don’t. DON’T. Your life does have
meaning, it has purpose and you are going to accomplish many things in this
life of yours. I may have to write it all out to you to believe it myself, but
at least I’m trying. Yes, the girl who just said, no one is benefiting from me
just “trying” proved herself wrong in her next paragraph. I am benefiting from
never giving up. I’m wrong for letting my “part time depression” get the best
of me. I’m wrong for thinking that I don’t matter at times and that I am not
enough. I’m wrong for thinking I failed God because his mercy and love is sufficient
and UNFAILING. That means no matter what I feel, or what I do, he loves me anyway. So that’s what I am
encouraging you to do tonight, through your lonely times, don’t fear to be
vulnerable and show everyone your weakness. Your weakness may just be
someone else’s strength. It could be the little thing they need to get them through their day. It shows them,
they’re not alone.
With all your might, whatever you do, please, don’t give up.
It will get better. As I was feeling this today, God gave me joy through something he told me to do. He spoke to me about
going on a mission trip to Belize to share my story with children and the teens
there who feel the same way. To encourage them that they can get through the
day, as long as they have hope. Please check out my Esty shop, the profits I do
not donate and make for my “needs”, are going to pay for this mission trip.
Every penny counts to share the message of hope, and of strength.
Remember, you are loved. You are valued and you matter. Don't hesitate to contact Fearless Movement to share your story, or to just have someone to talk to. We're here for you. Email: @ashleykulikowski37@gmail.com Instagram: @fearlessmovement Twitter: @DROPFEAR_
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